The Amazing Flying Maxorelli Family
To hell with the Wright Brothers. Hell with ‘em.
The Amazing Flying Maxorelli Family came first but you never hear about them, do you? No. It’s all Kitty Hawk this and aeronautics that. It’s bullshit, I’m telling you. Just because they wrapped some paper around a half-ton of fucking balsa wood doesn’t mean they were the first to conquer the air. They just had a better PR machine. I know. I sound a little bitter, but it’s true. The Maxorelli family did it first. I know. I was there.
The great tragedy was that they were held back by a pair of eyeglasses, or lack thereof really.
The patriarch, Maximillian Maxorelli (I know. His father was drunk and his mother was tired), was the power behind the Amazing Flying Maxorelli Family. He had the legs to keep them in the air. Maximillian could stand up with a pair of oxen on his shoulders and then run up a hill. He could pedal their contraption for hours, but he couldn’t see see his hands to find them. Even if you lifted one up and smacked him with it, he’d just want to know why you hit him.
They rest of the family tried to tell him, but he wouldn’t hear it. Go to the eye doctor they said. But he was too scared of the doctor on account that he fucked his wife once. In Maxorelli’s defense, he thought it was Mrs. Maxorelli. Those bad eyes are kind of a vicious cycle, one he just couldn’t stop pedaling. The rest of the town knew to double lock the doors and windows when Maximillian was out drinking.
Flying was interesting. They stayed in the air mostly by luck. It wasn’t faulty machinery, that’s for sure.
"There’s a tree."
"Tree coming up!"
"I don’t see any trees?"
"LEFT. TURN LEFT! TURN BASTARD FUCKING LEFT!!!"
"That is no way to speak to your father!"
"ROCK. THERE’S A ROCK!"
"Rocks can’t float in the air, boys. Don’t be stupid."
"That’s handy because WE’RE HEADING FOR THE FUCKING GROUND, DAD!"
And so on.
Locals all know who really took to the air first, but sadly rumors are all that managed to fly beyond the borders of the Maxorelli’s home town.
So remember: be humble. Accept and address your faults.
Otherwise a couple of dicks with a glorified paper airplane might get all the credit.
Art credit: Berlin, photo taken by the author.