Look, I know we both work a lot and we’re busy. That’s cool and all but there’s some things we’ve gotta address, bro. Like, you’ve gotta stop drinking all the beer and never buying more. Last night I was really looking forward to sitting on my ass and popping a cold one, but I had to make do with water. Thanks for leaving the empty bottle in the fridge, though.

And I’m cool with occasionally finding your dirty underwear on the floor, even though it reminds me of a college locker room, whatever right? We’re dudes. Only chicks give a shit about stuff like that.

But the leftover Chinese though? C’mon, man. That was dinner. Not cool.

But this is really the thing: You’ve gotta remember to cover the pentagram in the living room with the rug before you leave the house. Leaving that thing open all day… Look, I know when we moved in we got the place for a steal from that shifty dude who kept looking at the floor. And after we’d cleaned up we found that faint shape on the floorboards. Totally mutual, bro. We got high and painted over the lines, seemed harmless enough. And you know how much heat it gives off, so we were saving money in the winter.

Again, totally mutual decision.

But yesterday I came home and saw your girlfriend climbing out of the pentagram like she was using the front door.

Dude, what the fuck? You told me you met her at a party in a basement on the Lower East Side. Kinda glossing over a couple details, yeah? She didn’t see me, but when I came out from where I was hiding, she was sitting on the couch in one of my shirts and cleaning those weird teeth of hers. I wasn’t close enough to tell which row. I thought her parents were just too cheap to afford an orthodontist.

So, yeah. Nice shark-demon girlfriend you got there, I was gonna tell you I’m cool with her having a set of keys but I guess that’s not an issue is it?

I thought when you told me you found flying rats in the hallway that you meant pigeons. But yesterday, I went to go take a shit and saw a big-ass rat with wings drinking out of the toilet. I stood there, frozen and this thing looks over its shoulder all casual, water dripping off its whiskers and burps at me and giggles.

Fucking giggling rats with wings? Again, not cool.

Look, we’ve got a two month deposit with that shifty asshole. All I’m saying is, cover the pentagram before you leave the house before we’ve got Fifth Inferno Party 2 going on when we’re not home. And when the lease is up in eight months? You should find another roommate. Until then, let’s just stick it out and make the best of it. You know, whenever you finally come home from those late nights at the office. It’s been a couple days since I’ve seen you, otherwise I wouldn’t be all lame and leave you this note taped to the fridge.

Later, bro. Oh. And buy more toilet paper.

-Jeff