Istanbul and then Athens, it’ll be my first trip abroad in a country where I don’t have word one of the language, not even the ability to say hello in some way other than nodding my head. I remember the way my hands shook in Switzerland when I wandered the town surrounded by smiling people with whom I couldn’t even ask the location of the nearest bathroom or how to buy a pack of smokes.
My hands didn’t even shake that much before a fight, or maybe they did but that felt like it made sense. You’re supposed to be afraid in the moments before your appointment to try and knock the shit out of another human being, not at the prospect of failing at:
“Good morning, where’s the nearest place to take a leak?”
So it’s audio language courses and pocket guides. I downloaded a quick traveler’s language program for Turkish, but had to go to Amazon for one on Greek and the pocket guides. I’ll keep the majority of a browsing history as private as I can what with this being the internet and all, but under recommendations were several pairs of brass knuckles in different colors, even rainbow.
Who the fuck buys rainbow-colored brass knuckles? Remind me not to tease the next Phish fan I meet.
But maybe I need a pair of brass knuckles as much as I need a pocket guide. I feel like a fistload is probably just as useful as the phrase I use to get myself a coffee and a pastry.
$11.99. Apparently it dodges its blatant illegality by being sold as a belt buckle.
Seems reasonable when you think about it. Who doesn’t need some brass knuckles in their life? Nobody, that’s who. Maybe creatures without fingers and thumbs… Perhaps do not purchase brass knuckles for your pet octopus.
Get him a really heavy thimble instead.
And these brass knuckles got a five-star review.
Who reviews brass knuckles on Amazon? They’re brass knuckles for Christ’s sake. It’s not like that pocket knife that’s black, has five serrated edges and is called “Captain Hannibal’s Extra Special Murder Friend,” and people tell you they use it to cut up apples and open the mail. They’re brass knuckles. They only have one purpose in life and that’s to meet jaws and ribcages at high velocity.
“I really love my belt buckle.”
“What an amazing belt buckle.”
“This is the best belt buckle in the world.”
“I take my belt buckle with me everywhere. It’s a fantastic conversation starter.”
“These would be illegal if they were real brass knuckles, but they’re not. It’s just a belt buckle. For novelty purposes only.”
Methinks Amazon’s reviewers doth protest too much.
“I thought it would be too small as a belt buckle, but no it’s just perfect.”
“This is an amazing paper weight and let me tell you, they keep all my papers in order. None of my papers get away when I use it.”
If this guy’s your accountant pay him well and be very gentle if you decide to fire him.
I decided to skip the “belt buckle.” Seems a bit over the top. However “Captain Hannibal’s Extra Special Murder Friend,” should arrive in a couple of days. I wonder if they’ll let me carry it on the plane if I tell them it’s a comb?